letsallchant: (Default)
letsallchant ([personal profile] letsallchant) wrote2011-10-30 06:27 am

Love Knows Not Its Own Depth Until the Hour of Our Separation

Note: Sequel to this obviously.

I just don't want it to grow
It's not that I don't know
I've changed my mind
I take it back
Erase and rewind

-

Erase and Rewind, The Cardigans





It's been 5 years, and the days without him are still tough.

Every morning she still braces herself for his interesting tidbits, tangents and non sequiturs. She feels like she's learned more from him than any history course she ever took in college, and he's always been an obliging professor.

It hurts when she remembers he's not there, waiting for her at work, itching to tell her some new theory of his. In his place across from her, is a younger, dumber, but endearingly eager rookie.

She likes working in Homicide, in fact, she's admits she's better at it than she ever was with Major Case, or maybe it's she whose gotten better over the years...she isn't sure. But still, there's a longing and aching in her. She hungers for his presence, his smell, his restless energy, his rare touch, his mind. This feeling is not unusual to her- she went through the same thing with Joe.

She wishes she could go back in time and take back any horrible thing she ever said to him. She wishes she could call him, reminisce and bullshit around, or even just hear his voice. But that won't happen.

She curses him for making her feel like the eternal widow, grieving their partnership, friendship and everything in between. But she had to break free at some point, or she was going to lose her pride and what nerve she had left. She attempted to keep in touch with him after she left, to no avail. When he did answer his phone, he was far away, closed off. She doesn't blame him for that, she suspects she's damaged him even further, but it was either him or her, and her sense of self had won out.

It's ridiculous. They still have each others numbers, even though she thinks it's only a matter of time before she gets the dreaded "We're sorry!  The number you have dialed...". It's not like either of them is without a car and detective skills. He hasn't lost his mind. He's not dead.

But nonetheless, the fact remains: she's dead to him, and he's lost to her.

These thoughts stay with her everyday. But today, she's trembling as she picks up the phone once again. This time will be different. She can feel it.