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In the moment, she can't allow herself to think. Carolyn is doing amazing things with her mouth. Meanwhile, her body and mind is on overdrive – but still, she refuses to think.

She can't think about what will happen 10 minutes from now, when they'll be wrapped up together, snug, safe and a little damp. Or how guilty and sated she'll feel when she'll have to extract herself from the confines of Carolyn's bed and body. Or of the things she can't say to her. Things like “This can't last, but I might love you anyway,” or “Don't leave me.”

In the moment, they both know the moment is almost over, and in the end, she'll never say these things. She figures it would be pointless anyway. It wont change the fact that Carolyn is moving and Alex is staying. They'll never move into a crummy apartment together in the outer boroughs. They'll never have awkward dinners with their parents -- Carolyn's are dead; Alex's conservative Catholic upbringing and the secretiveness it has wrought won't allow it. They'll never say those three words, it's not their style – instead Carolyn will prove her fierce devotion to her and Alex will say something to the effect of “Oh...you do that for all the other girls?” and they'll tumble over and laugh while Carolyn attacks her neck.

Alex shudders, feeling that agonizing feeling, low and intense, before finally going over the edge, breathless, speechless, yet feeling the need to scream aloud – maybe with the things she'll never say.

---

Written from the prompts Barek/Eames + angst + 'in the moment'.

Note: This beast is quite long. It was also my first fic (which explains a lot).


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Note: Sequel to this obviously.

I just don't want it to grow
It's not that I don't know
I've changed my mind
I take it back
Erase and rewind

-

Erase and Rewind, The Cardigans

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